wow…its so discriptive! sad, and very nice! or, and kudos to you for doign what i did with my “when did it go wrong?” story! I applud you my friend

You repeat ‘light headed’ which weakens the tone.
The ‘…’s are a real pace setter. Feels like the protagonist is passing in and out of consciousness like a real death should.
For some reason, Tad, although it’s good, I feel it doesn’t quite match up to the standard of your usual stuff. With your work I am made to feel something and somehow I simply feel blank when I read this.
The description is beautiful in places though, and the accuracy of the metallic taste of blood (though I find mine to be more of a salty taste, then again I eat a lot of salt) just brings the picture to the forefront of realism.

oops, hadn’t realized that… I’ll replace light headed with a different description… thanks. And, PJ, you can tell I forced through being a bit uninspired to write it… daaang. haha b’oh well

OH! tad! you should enter this into my challange! it SOOO fits EDS!! consider it! :D

I did… and I edited it ;)

Interesting imagery running through this dying person’s head, though the sentence flow feels a bit rough in places.

I feel bad that I read it again and disliked it more =.=" The first three sentences don’t flow right.
I commend you for writing through uninspiration.
I feel harsh for criticising you when you don’t have the inspiration but I said I’d always tell you straight.

Very powerful and nicely done, a portrait as life is ending. It is interesting how almost everyone recalls or calls out for their mother when the end comes.

This reflects the nature of writing everyday— sometimes it sucks— and those are the times you have an opportunity to learn why it sucks. Thanks for the constructive feedback from you all, compliments included :)

there’re tears in her eyes.. i think you mean are instead of is. :)
I taste metal when blood runs down my throat, like say a bloody nose. gross i know, but it does taste metallic.
Emotion, i’m a little grossed out by the images, but the clinical and removed tone quells the urge to vomit, so I commend you on making a gory story so readable! (digestable? ew. worse.) I think you captured the endorphines making her feel drugged at the end and the numbness of shock quite well. Maybe PJ doesn’t feel anything because the only feeling here is a floating numbness. And that’s okay.

It’s always the mother! Or the long lost love…

I might be sorry for this someday, but I’m going to attempt a sequel. Maybe not now, but later. Definetly later.

I’m not going to rehash everything thats already been mentioned. You’ve improved it a lot by taking out that one “lightheaded.” I think the feelings stirred by this story all depend on the reader’s thoughts and feeling on dying.

Beautifully gory, and pretty darned good for not having any brain fodder.

Give “D.O.A.” by Bloodrock a listen. Theme music for your story. :)