Sad but perfectly captures what I call Christmas Melancholy, the flipside to the supposed happiness of Holiday spirits. Nice job.

Wow, such a simple moment that uses really well the conundrum of the season—that the celebration of closeness and familial ties can often serve to highlight when those ties aren’t as tight as we might like to otherwise kid ourselves. Great job!

I can kinda picture the mom, but not really. i guess i don’t know anyone like her.. however, yes, this does capture the awkwardness of gift giving.

Ok, let me start by saying well written, well told, and yada yada… because it is! BUT the dash in this sentence will not let me rest less I express my opinion (you roll your eyes and say, “here we go”) haha.

“Peter surveyed this perfectly respectable trio of presents and tried to avoid thinking the obvious – that reflected in the deep-blue glass of the wine bottle, and hidden among the scarlet flower petals lay the undeniable truth that he had no idea who his mother was.”

It’s great writing but the dash flubs the flow. I’d ditch the dash and lay down a period after ‘obvious’. Then you’ll have to rework the rest of it… here’s what I’d do if I was your editor (and wanted to upset you and rob you of holiday cheer, haha j/k) …

“Peter surveyed this perfectly respectable trio of presents and tried to avoid thinking the obvious. A deep-blue spot of glass on the wine bottle reflected among the scarlet flower petals and revealed the undeniable truth— he had no idea who his mother was.”

Edited a little – not your revision to the tee, but close enough, with a period, and the dash moved to the end of the paragraph…

Thanks for all comments, greatly appreciated! MH :)

Much better than my revision! Excellent. Full five pencils all the way!

I need to be able to write a sequel which is also a prequel for an existing story, to chain all the stories together.

Just something to think about.

I didn’t catch the version before you revised it and put Tad’s suggestions into action, but this is a great little slice-of-life piece! I bet all-too-many of us can empathise with this character…

Very well-written. I thought the imagery was evocative, and you painted a good scene here.

@Edcrab

The first version of the revision is quoted in the second paragraph of my initial comment if you want to see the transformation! It was all MH, I just pointed at it, haha.

Firstly, and I’m a little late here: IT’S NOT A PERIOD, IT’S A FULL STOP!! MH, please, you’re British!

Secondly, and almost as importantly, this is stunning. The detail is fantastic because within the miniscule details is the root of the story, and I love a tale whereby the description is the furthering of the narrative.

I fall in love with every piece you write. As usual, stunning.
It depresses me that I’m older than some people on here, yet my writing is so inferior.

Encore!

A beautiful capsule! We can totally relate, it comes through loud and clear. 5 pencils!