I like it. I can’t put my finger on why exactly, I just like the way it reads. Nice work, Zoel.

I dig this, too. It feels like a mix of unpretentious authenticity (oh my god did I really just type that?) and not entirely pleasant nostalgia. My only critique is that I’m not sure where to go with the last line – it’s punchy, but I think the effect is diminished by a sense of, “Well, that came from left field.” Unless that was your intent, or I’m missing the point?

Really good, though.

No that was pretty much the point all along. But if you didn’t get it then it might be my fault and not yours. Alternatively you might be the protagonist.

The girl is digging him and has to physically bump the guy to get his attention. He looks away and she hits him again.

He sucks at girls. Hence, he is a virgin. That is her face value appraisement of him. He might be a virgin, he might not be; it doesn’t really matter. The point is he acts like one.

OOOH.

Actually, my confusion stemmed entirely from the paragraph break. I thought that the narrator spoke the last line, not the girl, which was where I’d gotten confused. I’m not sure how you’d clarify that, or if I’m the only person who read it that way in the first place.

Waffle House makes me think this guy does not hang out in very nice places. The girl is definitely an interesting character, and I like your word choice except for in a couple places.

Hmm.

HMM.

I like it! Particularly your descriptive work, it’s very concise while staying witty.

I only understood the meaning of the final line when I read your comment on it, and frankly it doesn’t show in the character. The girl seems to be either too smart or too abstract. The audience should be able to pick up on the same subtle hints that she had, but they aren’t there to be picked up! Try and make the main character a tiny bit more awkward, or go the other direction and make him a tiny bit too smooth.

Also your diction and syntax would be fine in a longer format, but here there’s a bit of wasted space that could go towards some character development. For example: “I held up my lighter to offer her and she brushed it away” is fine, technically, but it COULD be shorter.

Fantastic work, regardless!