That first sentence isn’t doing it for me. It could stand to be broken up and rearranged a little. Actually, I sort of get that feeling from most of your descriptive work: the words and imagery are all there, they just don’t fit together as well as they should.

Also, don’t feel compelled to put your character’s names in dialogue, it can break the flow of speech.

I think most of the issues I have with this piece are syntax related. The actual description of the Auxiliary and the atmosphere is spot on, and Pauline’s introduction is remarkably detailed for its length.

Thanks YaYa! I’m really not pleased with the wording of the first sentence, in particular, but you really nailed my own problems with the whole thing. Going to have to go back in and tinker with the syntax, like you said.

I had a little trouble with pronouns after “Tom shoved,” and also some trouble distinguishing who was speaking when.

Some really strong nouns and verbs in the opening paragraph, especially “compressed by the lungs of a leviathan.”

I like “standing in a rotten jack-o-lantern.” I can smell the humidity.