Ooh. Very intriguing. I love how this is put together – a slight feeling of ennui and edge before the fact, and then she seems to break the bubble. A good friend? A past lover? Who is she, indeed?

Interesting stuff, very much in that one moment, but then with just enough expansion past the moment to give some oomph. The sentence about the stands blocking the doorway felt like a fragment. I liked the description of the girl.

Thanks for the comments.

In the story, a couple (as in two people) are standing, blocking the doorway. I see the way you could misunderstand. I’ll try to find a way to reword it perhaps.

Edited from:
“Ahead, a couple stands blocking the double doors.”

To:
“Ahead stands a couple, blocking the double doors. "

Hope that reads better. Thanks for pointing that out, THX.

Mhm, good revision. It flows much better.

There’s quite a bit to like here – and it’s unclear whether the association is good or bad. A sequel?

I am really interested to see who “she” is. Hope someone does a sequel…soon! :)

My pleasure. Merry Monthquel!

http://ficly.com/stories/23268