This is pretty bad, not because it tells a sad story. I’m willing to rate a sad story high if it’s done well. This is just a mess though. You need to learn how to break stories into paragraphs for effect. Your diction is sloppy and perhaps most damming, the observation at the end is trite. Yes, death is the final rest. We get it. If you really insist on making such an overused observation, at least find a way to say it more uniquely.

First of all, there is no excuse for not capitalizing correctly.

Second of all, Druhim is spot on. Solace in death is more than just a cliche; it’s one of the oldest concepts in fiction. A story based solely upon the idea that someone can be peaceful when they die accomplishes nothing; everyone has encountered the notion hundreds of times. More than that, the lack of any character development at all means that this story really is just the very basic idea of peace in death; she’s sad, he’s an asshole we got it. She dies and he goes, “oh, she’s dead,” and leaves.

Also, the pacing and sentence structure is disturbing, and not in a way that contributes to the story. For example: “suddenly he stops and looks down at his victim she no longer moves.”. This is no grammatically correct, and it’s enormously awkward.

Work on grammar, vocabulary, character development and try to flesh your next story out a little more; throw a curveball at us, or at least break the mold somehow.

I think you’re trying a little too hard to be abstract and “artsy”, and in the process taking on an unnatural voice. The level of detail is also very uneven, and the man’s portrayal is too inconsistent. Violent to curious to uninterested all in a moment is just too much shifting in too short a time. All this on top of the previously mentioned issues with diction and the cliched topic, I’m afraid it’s just not very good.

thanks for the feedback i will work on it to make it better.