Bad grammar, unremarkable prose. The thinking is overly straightforward and awkwardly revealing – people don’t do that much exposition in their heads. Avoid italicized/double-quoted thinking in general; in order to truly get into a character’s head, you have to deal in far more free-form, emotional terms.

When you write a story, ask yourself: What does this accomplish? Why should anyone care about this? What is a reader going to take from this?

I think it would help you a great deal to address your reading. Read a wide variety of genres, a wide variety of forms, and focus on quality over quantity or popularity.

Hunter S. Thompson would help with your internal monologue, I always like CS Lewis and GK Chesterton for prose, I can’t think of anyone for dialogue right now but I’m sure someone will make a recommendation. Ask around. avoid “junk” reading like the plague- what you read will influence how you write, like it of not.

I’m afraid there isn’t much remedy for plot other than life, but you’ve made a good start in that regard.

Writing is communication, focus on what it is you want to communicate. Is it a feeling? Is it an idea? Think about why you want to say it, and why your audience should want to hear it. I’m afraid “Jennifer Aniston made me think boys are icky” is what this story seems to say (whether that was your intent or not), and most people just aren’t going to care about that.

Think of it as an opportunity to improve.

@SlangSkald
Yes people actually do that much exposition in their heads, I’m one of them. And I really don’t appreciate you calling my prose unremarkable. Also, as to why anyone would care about this, you clicked on it didn’t you? Also what’s wrong with my grammer?

@JMV
Thanks for your comment I guess… The story is supposed to be vague at this point, you’re only supossed to know that Alani doesn’t want to be around boys.

I have to say, I agree with Slang here. I can forgive the bad grammar in the dialog as sometimes people do speak like that (usually teens), but he’s right about about the mental exposition. People’s brains generally don’t actually work that way – you may look back upon the time and think things retrospectively, but very rarely will a person think To Hell and respond “To my car.” The grows from the floor! thought would also likely occur as the character walked to her car, alone. That kind of thought happens after the fact – not during.

The prose is unremarkable. This is not meant as an insult but rather a critique of just how irrelevant it feels. It reads like stage directions.

What on Earth is a “customary sigh”? I’ve dropped books before, and my responses have been varied and numerous – sighs, groans, cursing in Gaelic… there’s no established “custom” for book-dropping.

You also switch from the third to the first person in the narrative in the second-to-last line.

Also, addressing your comment: You want the story to be vague. It isn’t. It’s abhorrently clear not just that Alani doesn’t want to be around boys, but why. You haven’t hinted at these points. You’ve bludgeoned your reader over the head with them.

And I think it’s worth saying this: Don’t let negative critique discourage you. If you don’t like what people have to say about your work and you stop writing, then you never wanted to write in the first place. But if you take it to heart, try to learn and grow and improve your craft, you’re on to a winner.

We all started out at one point. We all made mistakes. We all still do. That’s more or less the point of sharing our work with others on sites like this – get critique and feedback, and let that influence and, hopefully, improve the quality of our output. I look forward to seeing what you come up with next. :)

@ slang and JMV. Lemme try saying this without being mean, cuz I don’t mean to be. Sometimes people write for themselves. I for one, do. I’ve written many peices just to write. I don’t think “why would someone like this”. It came from my heart and I think that’s how writing should be. I understand that you see flaws in this, but maybe you could try and be gentle in your critiquing, not harsh… Which is how slang’s came across exspecially.

Yes, BB. That was one of those moments.

@JMV
So I just realized what you meant about the Jennifer Aniston comment. No, no, no! I wasn’t referring to the movie The Breakup! You know how people capitalize important events in their lives? That’s what The Breakup was supposed to mean. Alani actually broke up with someone. Honestly, I didn’t even know that was a movie until my friend pointed out what you were talking about..

@ Band Baby
If someone posts something on the internet on a website designed to share and critique, they have to expect honest criticism. You can’t post something, and then when someone points out the flaws say “well it came from the heart” as a means of disregarding all criticism.

It seems like you’re operating under the assumption that everything anyone ever writes is as good as anything anyone else has ever wrote.