I admit, because of the way my eyes fell on the page, I read the last part first (I read very fast and pretty much by glancing at the last four lines I knew what they said), but that kind of works for you because I think there’s a good “dun dun DUUUN” moment and punch line, so now I’m invested in going back to the beginning.

By now everyone was uncomfortable bordering on miserable. is an awkward sentence. There needs to be a comma or a dash or something. I felt the same way about the next sentence, that there should be a comma before “sloshing.”

Still for a woman in her profession, she still is repetitive and also needs a comma.

Why was it unsurprising that the woman spoke first. Could be a prequel inspiration, but it really just seemed “off.”

Other than those things, the story itself is interesting—good characters, nice mystery, I liked the “punch” at the end and the way you set the scene at the beginning.

Mostly fixed. Thank you for taking time to leave such a detailed comment. I very much appreciate it. Any further insights into any of my work is welcome. As far as the woman goes, it’s unsurprising because the protagonist is a (mild?) misogynist and believes that women will always talk, if given half a chance. I didn’t have enough room for a ton of character development, so I kept what I could. Once again, thank you!

See, that totally works for a prequel establishing that the protag. is a misogynist. I suck at that kind of protag, but maybe someone else won’t, which is why I asked :D

Pretty good little crime scene. There is a lot of good imagery and the personality of the investigator comes through in the voice and his delivery of the “twist” would be interesting to see more along this line.

Also, is a “Sympton” deliberately misspelled?

I like it with the fixes, and the twist ending is great. Good scene as well, really sets a mood and a tone. Bunty has a nice ring to it as well. And looks like Cally already took you to task on the editing stuff.

Random note: Coincidentally, as I’m writing this comment “I Just Can’t Stand the Rain” came on my iPod set to shuffle. I thought that was funny.

I love the noir feel to this, this is so cyberpunk i really dig it.

Excellent story, Robert. I scanned the tags before reading, as has become by habit, and I can see the Fringe and Blade-Runner influences. I also see similarities to I-Robot.

The lines describing how the rainwater gets splashed onto the crime scene is deliciously annoying. You’d think that in the middle of this mess that the driver could have avoided that, or the caution tape would have taken the standing water into account, but noooo.

As for the challenge entry, thanks for joining. This is exactly the kind of example I was looking for. The story does not center or even focus on the newly created word. It’s a seamless fit, and I like how it is open to interpretation.

It reminds me of the three minute intros that are always in the beginning of CSI. I can almost hear Grissom muttering the last line!

I agree with Pandora Jae, the meaning of the word is very ambiguous. I imagine her as kind of chubby and short, because you said she was “a marked contrast” to the man. I really hope somebody writes a sequel.

“Her” being the woman in the story, not Pandora Jae.