I think you struggled in this one. It seems very haphazard, and winds up hard to follow for most of it. Basically it’s the beginning of a gay romance tale, which is fine. The oomph just gets lost in all the strange phrasing and structures.

Yeah…I think I definitely yearn for more characters. The urge to get out an idea hindered by the limit can’t always be successful. The flatness you feel is because I hadn’t thought through anything else but that couple seconds. ;)

It reads like a first draft… something that was written in a rush. It’s not bad though, it just takes the mind a second to comprehend at first— in the beginning especially. It does pick up speed by the end of the first paragraph and on all the way to the end it finishes strong. And I’m not so sold on it being a gay romance so much as a one sided gay crush— which is a rather heart melting thing, sweet and sad.

I agree with other comments to the extent that this is entirely visceral. You’re urgently capturing the moment before the moment has a chance to resonate, but that doesn’t preclude significance. Some moments shouldn’t be deconstructed and are better left to guttural response.