This is my first story, being an amateur I don’t expect good reviews. Please criticize all you want. I want to learn from this experience.

i would be glad as ficly old skewl to give you my opinion for what that is worth. However i am boycotting all writers who dont have a picture,so you get no review. sorry its a cruel neighborhood in ficlydom

Elsha just told me some people dont know how to upload pics so maybe i am out of line. so if you need help uploading an appropriate avatar, ask Elsha Hawk she will be glad to help you.

welcome to ficly.

Welcome to Ficly! I knew you would be better than you thought.

You’ve got some great descriptions and adjectives. It was a great piece, especially with amounts of quality imagery. I really like the line about butterflies in her/his stomach.

Awesome first story!

Welcome. A very good effort indeed. In the spirit of offering suggestions for constructive criticism, you could either:

a) describe soaking through your shirt, the stinging sand, maybe a blistering sun or something else. I’ll assume it’s the desert or somewhere equally hot and then probably start to wonder why you’re there, and maybe even make up some nefarious reasons while I’m at it. Or -

b) tell me you’re in a desert. I will imagine a hot, blistering sun, all kinds of discomfort, lizards, etc. Maybe even some nefarious reason for your being there. That way you have more room to tell more story.

First story? Well done. You used a lot of good descriptive words, though as Eckhouse pointed out we still don’t know the exact who or where of the story yet, which is by no means a bad thing. I particularly liked the notion of “perspiration consuming my shirt.”

One suggestion: you may consider re-wording the sentence about the knotted feeling, or maybe add a colon. It helps read a bit more smoothly.

Example – “…taking over my insides: the knotted, unnerving feeling…”

Welcome to Ficly, and thanks for participating in my first challenge! Bandained rolls easily off the tongue, and contributes a sort of ethnic feel to the story. Quite creative.

For a first story I think you did very well and you’ve gained the attention of a lot people (which is good). I agree with most of the positive points thus far- good description, and bardained IS a great made-up word (even if it does make me think of horses- maybe it’s supposed to).

On the constructive criticism side- 1) Formatting. You have the space between the first and second paragraph, but the space bewteen the second and third appears to have gone missing. 2) More importantly (to me), you used a scant 600 characters. Tell me more- better yet show me more. I have a feeling you have a lot to share and an equal amount to offer.

Welcome to Ficly, I hope you like it here!