I like it. The storyline and the overall tone. Could use some editing but i know the character limit is making that hard for ya. 4 pencils for content minus 2 pencil for block o text. (Sorry :( )

Oh god I should proofread my comments. Lower case I, 2 instead of 1. Uggh.

Those last three lines were the best in the piece. As for the moon, I don’t know if “hauntingly” is quite the word you’re looking for, because that seems like a traditional “beautiful” category to me. I really liked the mentor/newbie interplay and am interested to see if any backstory (mob? something else) develops.

Good stuff! The idea could be trite in the wrong hands, but the voice is unique and likeable in a way that dodges that bullet. I’m with jesteram – I think the place that could most stand tweaking is the description of the moon in the first two or three sentences.

Good! I agree with Jesteram about the whole “hauntingly” thing, that probably merits a bit of re-examination.

The overall idea is fine and compelling, but the execution isn’t quite up to where it should be. You say it’s a monologue, but there’s a few sentence arrangements and word choices that don’t seem to fit the character or speech patterns. With any dialogue longer than a line or two, I’ve always found it’s important to read it out loud and see if anything sticks out as iffy to your ears.

Overall, a nice concept and good use of the format.

the execution isn’t quite there, but there’s something good under there

I particularly like the partner relationship there, I think that could be played up more

I have to agree with YaYa, quite a bit of it doesn’t sound so much like a monologue. “Beautiful” almost doesn’t seem like a word this narrator would use.