I’ve got to say, you’ve got quite a few sentence fragments and awkwardly worded bits. In the second line, you’re basically inserting a whole sentence into the middle of another one. I think you might want to avoid using line breaks as much, too.

I think there’s a good general atmosphere of emptiness and isolation to the writing, though.

I like the sparse delivery. It’s in contrast to the format for most of the stories on here, so I think it’s effective. It feels like someone plodding through a day, taking it in small chunks. One thing: “As he sighed” and “As he went” are basically back to back and feel a bit repetitive, language-wise.

I like the atmosphere. The prose is good, but I suspect you could still polish it a bit.

I have to agree, I like the general idea and the emptiness the narrative attempts, but it lacks a basic grounding that makes the story a bit hard to follow.