wow..thats all i can say..wow

Thanks. Was there anything you especially like about it, or anything you think doesn’t work or needs improvement?

This one just came to me all of sudden watching the “All That I’ve Got” music video by “The Used.” My brother was helping me find the song, which lead to the video, which somehow lead to this. Not really sure yet how it compares to it’s inspiration, or to my other poems, or similar poems. Seems like all of my stuff are works in progress.

Good news first: It’s meter and rhymes work.

Bad news: IMHO, its not dark enough. The rhythm and beat are a little sing-song-ie …
also, it would seem that for a person to reflect on where their light has gone, without speaking of the darkness that engulfed it, seemed like it was written by someone who has never experienced that darkness.

This style would have worked better from a 3rd person outside perspective…
“I gaze in her eyes, yet what I see” would have been more of a true wondering.

Hmm. Yeah, I was having trouble coming up with where to go on this one. The first four lines seemed to come easy enough, after that though. The spark was supposed to be either youth/strength/ or energy or whatever you want to call it, but creativity seemed to fit my mood for it better. Maybe that was a bad call. If anything else comes to me I may edit it to reflect it. Thanks for the critique.

Duraiken: You answered your own question. If you start something and can’t finish it and you have at least 60 characters, you can save it as a draft, don’t push yourself, it’s like a forced orgasm, just put it away and wait till later. Nice Job, I like it.

As for the above statement about your piece not being too dark, I don’t agree, that’s a conclusion from someone who wanted to read something dark and this is not a challenge piece.

I perceive that this person, and you in general from your other stories, live in a dimming world and you are slowly unrecognized by yourself, or you just woke up and are getting reacquainted with yourself.

I lost my ability for anything artistic about the same time you did, right after high school. I was so good at art I was the teachers aid all three years in junior high. But it comes back, when you make room.

Stay here, stay with us in the land of Ficly, and do yourself a huge favor and enter challenges, open yourself up and write about the unfamiliar.

Thanks. I’m trying to figure out where I want to go writing-wise. For some reason it seems like poems are coming to me easier than larger works, though eventually I hope to write a full story; I certainly have enough ideas to do so.

As for the darkness or lack therof, I’ve realized after a comment and reply from me on my latest poem that most of these are pretty much direct streams of conscious thought for me. Something evoked the stream in question and I try to record as much of it as possible. The only poem that didn’t that pattern was “What Do You See?” which predates my dry spell and my current modus operandi. Though I’m not sure there was much difference between then and now. But I’m trying to get my life in order, and these poems are more-or-less a way for me to vent my frustrations with that.