Heh! Not bad, Wiggin. Not bad.

I usually loathe run-on sentences, but yours didn’t bother me. Perhaps it’s because of how well you spaced your paragraphs.

The end sentence made me laugh, but at the same time it’s a bit too left-field for my tastes. In the second last sentence, try and make said troublemakers seem a little more equine. Some mention of “galloping” alone should do it. Also, capitalizing “ponies” might do you well.

Nicely done, anyway!

The ponies line comes out of nowhere and sounds far too much like a twist for the sake of there having to be a twist.

Also fascists generally don’t think of themselves as evil. People generally don’t think of themselves as evil.

Overall, it does nothing to catch my attention, and feels terribly cliche. Like, we’re talking saturday morning cartoon villain cliche. That’s honestly the best sense I can make of it, but nobody’s writing should be headed towards that point on any level.

I didn’t think the pony line was too out there, seeing as it was written as a prequel to the pony uprising story.

I don’t even know what I’m going for with this yet, but the pony thing has been rattling around for a few days so I figured I’d play with it.

It’s a slight improvement over the original. The sudden contrast is something of a joke, even if a rather poor one. The language is very inconsistent here, moving between very casual and the same attempt at “high” style as the pony uprising.

Small steps.