It needs work, but I’m not sure what to do with it. I could mull it over for a while, but I don’t like leaving criticism when I don’t have anything of my own up yet.

I wrote this partially to break Geebs’ monopoly on the “regret” tag.

That was incredibly wonderful. Great job of showing the double meaning in the last line.

Oh man, that last line is great. It’s really something a little kid who just wants to be played with would say.

I don’t really know that it needs any work. Nice, clean and simple with that killer ending. Seems good to me.

My main concern is whether it’s evoking quite what I want it to. Anyone have any general impressions?

I wish I could take credit for the last line, but the account is non-fiction, I just arranged it. I think that might be cheating.

General impression? Melancholy. I wasn’t sure if the guy was visiting the mom or what, but the interaction between the narrator and the kid was real. I’ve got two little daughters, and I’ve used the “other game” distraction to catch my breath. It doesn’t work for me, either.

The sadness feels like it comes from a sense of inevitability, or maybe just a feeling that nothing can be done or changed. The little girl is beautifully illustrated, and I’m left curious about the narrator – who he is, what the circumstances were. This is really great, though.

(I should say, I realize it’s nonfiction, but I’m still left wishing for a background to the piece.)

I’d considered doing more on similar experiences if I got away with the non-fiction thing. Anything in particular you’re looking for?

During college I tried my hand at preschool education and the way you described the interaction with the little girl felt right on point. Positively love your writing style.

What jumps out at me in terms of a critique – too many ’and’s. The sentence flow is a bit monotone with them.

The kid is great (have a three year old myself) and the melancholy tone works well.

What it needs – more. More description, more background, more details. But that means more words, and more characters. :) This is good for the space you’ve got.

I like the simple style of it – resigned but non-specific. It sounds like the actual telling of the story is a drag, like a bottling up of emotion instead of a release, which writing so often is.

Even the repetitions of bland words “got on a plane…got back into the routine…” add to that. It’s a carefully written account, I think, and looks a lot less tricky than I imagine it was to balance the language in that way.

One issue:

“She pulled me down until my face level with hers .”

Unless I’m missing a nuance of the style, there is a missing ‘was’ (or other word) here. And, even more minor, a space between ‘hers’ and the ‘.’

The curse of making a living as an editor by day is being a pedantic sh*t 24/7.

I wouldn’t call forgetting a verb “pedantic”.

It’ll have to wait until I go over the whole thing, though, because I’m out of characters.

Pedantic is showing up ten days after the fact with a fine toothcomb.

Nah, that’s just fine. I had planned on at least one more edit anyway.

Something about “It still broke my heart,” disrupts the flow for me. Like, maybe it’s in there too soon, or maybe it shouldn’t be there at all. I want to be able to tell that that’s true through something he does or says towards the end.

The same goes for, “Some time when I’m not so tired.” I think, without it, it actually strengthens the last line, because then it emphasizes how he’s using legitimate points his excuses, stuff that he can’t help, to avoid contact. It’s sort of the “slap in the face” moment, from the mouths of babes.

Other than that, I’ll parrot everyone else and say how good this is. It feels natural, organic. You kept to the bare points needed. Good stuff.