Bob, you lucked out.

For me, it was the blue door. Had I known what was behind it, I would never have opened it. All morning, passing along the hall, I stared at the door with every ounce of my attention. I was transfixed.

I caved in.

The sign on the door did it all. Auditions, it said. I figured I might as well star in a porno or two. Isn’t that how all the superstars found their start?

What a gyp.

I don’t remember much of what happened afterwards, with all the needles and alcohols. I woke up in an ice-filled bathtub with a letter suggesting I dial 911 asap for a dialysis machine.

I don’t think I’ll ever be doing this again, especially after I found my cellphone battery died on me.