A bit confusing through the middle there, but I think I still got the overall point and thrust of it. I liked the ending, the idea of the train being the coming of death or angels or whatnot. I think it was the king reference that threw me, or perhaps whether or not he really heard anything.

I agree. I struggled with whether or not to include the “king” part. I guess it’s true what they say, ‘when in doubt go without’.

I was trying to build an element of imagination in the old man’s mind. Maybe a little senile, I don’t know. But I guess it didn’t work.

Thanks for the feedback. I love constructive criticism!

I might edit it a little.

The first couple of times I read this, I found nothing worth remarking on. However, on subsequent readings, I started to notice that some of your word choices seemed interesting. Often, you use a word with something slightly different than its established meaning(s). It isn’t unclear, just slightly “off”.

For example, “hazy voices”. I understand perfectly what you mean, but ‘hazy’ relates to vision and ‘voices’ to sound. Other examples: “Wrapping the handle in his crooked fists”; “rueful, old mind”; and “wavering… fingers”.

Having read the piece several times over now, I don’t buy the first paragraph. It’s likely just my interpretation, but everything after that indicates that the protagonist likely has pride in keeping the station in good condition, and dusty benches and dirty, abandoned stairs seems inconsistent.

The past tense of ‘skid’ is ‘skidded’. “Musings of yesteryear” sounds a bit too cliche.

The pacing is perfect. Just the right amount of territory covered for the space constraints.

I feel the love!

Thank you for the feedback.

The “hazy voices” sounded dreamy, so I used it not remembering “hazy” is visual. (Would you buy, he saw it in his mind?)
“Rueful” sounds sad (a mind full of regret?) “Wavering” sounds crippled (like uncontrolled movements).

I may be trying to say too much, without the adequate space or skill to do so. I am trying to metaphorically describe a king that has grown old, feeling useless and defeated; he falls upon his sword. The station is unkempt only the floor below him was “prepared” – for his death. I obviously need help with this.

Help me Obi-wan Kenobi!