Really cool little story with more questions than answers, though it works extremely well. Cool visuals to boot.

First of all, is the moniker “Browncoatben” a reference to Joss Whedon’s “Firefly”? Because, if it is, I am already fond of you for that and we will surely be the best of friends! If not, please ignore my comment altogether.

I agree with THX in that you have expressed some wonderful visuals here as well as a few audio wonderments such as; metallic legs groaned and the echoes of her heels.

Now I’m just learning, so correct me if I’m wrong, but the last sentence of the third paragraph uses the word “floor” twice. Would it be better not to do that? Also I’m a sucker for turning prose into verse so if the end were as her life slipped away, I would’ve fell from my groaning metal char!

“Terse? I can be terse. Once, in flight school, I was laconic.” – Wash

@THX – Thanks. Your abject worship of my work is always appreciated.

@Abran – Let’s just say “Actually, I was fired…from a fry cook opportunity.” – Wash

Firefly is all that is great about TV and its cancellation is all that is wrong with Fox. If you enjoy Firefly stuff, you might take a gander at this little piece (and its sequel) I did on here a little while back. I think you’ll appreciate it.

http://ficly.com/stories/13171

I’m kind of thrown off by the spelling of your title character’s name. It really shouldn’t bother me, because, well that’s self-evident, but it kind of does.

Also, I think you’ve got a menstrual cycle where you want a prolonged lack of consciousness in that final sentence. (Hey, it’s late, bad jokes were made for post-Midnight Internet forums)

Kind of a messed up way to see your future, but a cool twist on the idea, and bringing both her past and future into the same scene is cool. I dig it.