Commentary: Although it does not do her justice, this is a portrayal of the woman in in the story: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Sangreal.jpg

Heartbreaking.

Well done sir, well done indeed! Eloquence exudes from your writing and you are a pleasure to read.

I was wondering about the placement of “nevertheless” in the first sentence of the third paragraph. It sounds a little misplaced or perhaps it isn’t needed at all. Nonetheless, this piece is wonderfully composed and presented.

Disappointment has never been presented better.

@Sir Bic: I had been wondering about that “nevertheless” myself. It’s been zapped.

impressive feats and all for what? wonderful display of the floor falling out from under your dreams!

Nicely done!

I would like to suggest a change: “I raise myself to kneel” to “I raise myself to a kneel”

I am assuming this is a period piece and if it is you might want to reconsider the words “sacrifice” and “lost”. One of that period would never conceive sacrificing something TO themselves for their benefit. “Losing” something, although loosely used now, a knight wouldn’t say “I’m lost”. Instead he may phrase it “The way is lost to me”. But, you could replace “lost” with “sacrifice” because the knight did make sacrifices on behalf of his King.

But, being critical also means being fair and the knights (mis)uses of “lost” and “sacrifice” could be the reason he was not the chosen one; so then it works. And on that hidden meaning, intentional or not, I rate it a 5.

@L.L. Good suggestions all. I’ve done something with all of them. I couldn’t quite do as much as I would have liked as I’ve run up hard against the character limit.

I’ve missed your work Mister Rode.

This is most beautifully tragic. All this cost for something that wasn’t even meant for him.

Big setup…then nothing.

Ending: go home, ka-nighit!

Where is the story?

@Spageti Thank you for your unique perspective. I appreciate from your sequel that you prefer a style that is similar to 1930’s pulp fantasy or perhaps graphic novel. I have to confess that I never particularly found either of those satisfying from a literary perspective. De gustibus non est disputandum.

Awesome little story. The heartbreak is palpable at the end, as are the hints at pride as he relates his own glorious deeds. Makes it feel like that’s at least what partially did him in, that he felt he needed to tell it all to prove to her how awesome he is. Maybe that wasn’t an intended moral, but I liked it all the same.

That, for me, was the story right there, to contradict Spageti’s critique.

At first I was like, “What?! That’s how it ends?” but then I was all like “Aaah, that is exactly how it ends”.

Also, that’s a wicked similie in the second paragraph.

As much as I appreciate the dryness of the end it feels as though something is a little off. It does seem like you had to do some trimming to fit the character limit.

I enjoyed this. Disappointment is a hard emotion sometimes and this captures it perfectly!

@August; your amazing! What a wonderful diplomatic response to Spageti, I learned a lot from your response, you could turn that into a short story in itself. Bravo.