Commentary: This is inspired by the poem The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes.

Bess is a brave woman.

I think you’ve done an excellent job of setting the mood of a character who’s been working for hours towards a not so pleasant goal. Her focus and determination never errs with her lovers life on the line.

A well told tale August.

Thank you for pointing us toward Alfred Noyes’ poem. I enjoy the perfect pacing of his rhyme (like a galloping horse). The Highwayman – a telling tale of love lost and life given. I can see why you would be inspired by Noyes’ “magnum opus”. This, your homage to him, is good, but not your personal best. I feel it a little rushed and perhaps a little cluttered and out of sequence at parts. This may be a result of the space constraints and not a lack of attention on your part, however. If I’m totally off please tell me so. Also, if you would at anytime want to bestow the favor of a critique on my work, please do so. I would very much welcome a comment from a master such as you.

@3rd: Thanks.

@Sir: No, you’re not wrong. I struggled with this one, trying to get enough material in to allow the story to stand on its own while being completely hamstrung by the character limit. I should know better than to post something I’m not entirely happy with: someone else will see it too. I’ll see what I can do with it.

Okay then, let’s turn this into an informal challenge. The story has some problems, and Sir Bic’s assessment seems correct to me: a little cluttered and out of sequence at parts.

Gentle reader, do you agree with Sir Bic (and me)? If so, what would you do to fix it? If you want to comment, that’s fine. If you want to try your hand at revising it, feel free to post it as a sequel here.

Here I wanted to leave a nice little comment, and you go and make it challenging. For me the second half worked better than the first half. The cluttered feel comes I think just from the confusion of the physical setting. That is, why would the tied up prisoner have access to a weapon? At the beginning, the soldier is across the room at the door, so why would his gun be in her possession? How to fix that practically without altering the substance of the story, I don’t know. On the third reread I finally caught on that the lover has not yet arrived and is coming into a trap as he tries to save his woman.

Actual fixes: Para 1 Sent 2—2 ’and’s in a row feels cumbersome. Para 2 Sent 3—Not sure what you mean here, perhaps a reword would clarify. Para 3 Sent 2—Too many conjunctions, and it could be even more dramatic broken up into staccato statements.

Just my nitpicking thoughts, since you asked.

The biggest question here is why is she propped up on the musket? And with her hands behind her back (assumably), how can she reach to her right side to the trigger without the soldier noticing, since he is so rapt upon her face?

@THX, ElshaHawk: On rereading the poem which inspired this, all that I can say is that the musket is where it is because it’s necessary for the plot-line. Same for her being able to reach the trigger. I wonder if I’m telling entirely the wrong story. Perhaps what I should do is revise this story (underway regardless) then tell the story about how she got in this position in a prequel.

I like your story, it’s very moving.

Forgive me, THX, but I disagree about your comments. I particularly enjoy the two ands!