My favorite line: His muscular construction-worker veins rose, exposing violent violet branches.

The step-dad is cruel, but it wasn’t until the sweet cud of guilt that I felt moved. The step-father’s rage was seen through eyes that merely seemed paralyzed, waiting for the next move. Therefore I, the reader, waited with them, also paralyzed, but without the fear the children must have felt upon seeing his veins.

Your stepbrother scares me.

Well played 32^2.

“our stepbrother yelled " – noting here that the antagonist here is a step sibling and not parent.

An unusual choice for prose but not so unusual for abuse to come from another paren’ts kid, so realistic.

With past tense firmly established by the body of the ficly “He reaches for her as I choke down my sweet cud of guilt” is a jolting change of tense.

I was taught to pick a tense and stick with it.

Re-reading the narrative in present tense adds an extra layer of urgency to the situation that wopuld seem to change the entire tone of the story.

Were it my story, I would do an off-line rewrite entirely in present tense and see for myself how much more powerful the ficly is that way.

Autrhor rules.

Editor observes and suggests.

@bob, That’s why I’m here! Thank you so much, please give it a fresh read. Your input is invaluable. Very constructive.

Question? Should I mark this mature? I think I should.

The revision is more tense, more desperate and much closer to what you must have envisioned as the voice of the story.

Very scary.

Also, close to perfect.

The revision is more tense, more desperate and much closer to what you must have envisioned as the voice of the story.

Very scary.

Also, close to perfect.

This is good, but to tell you the truth, LL, this “non-fiction” stuff is beginning to seriously bum me out. I feel incrementally more awful with each of the stories I read. It’s a wonder you survived adolescence. Can you write about happiness, or at least leave of the “non-fiction” tag? Please?

Sincerely,
Sir Bic
A concerned friend.

@Sir Bic: Or a celebration of my innate nature to survive.?

I call it “survival writing”, Ficly is cathartic and freeing. The constraint of using few words has been a Godsend. I am forced to explain these situations to myself. If others wish to partake, O.K.

Writers commenting on writers should consider style and accuracy first. Yes, a stories subject matter can have unintended side effects either through atrocious writing habits or content. However, it is hard to passively read and most of us are not here as “editors” or “proof readers”; that’s a whole other level of detached critical reading.

But I do see your statement as a challenge to write the same stories but seasoned with who I am now. I shouldn’t rely on my assumptions that readers will “assume” I’m well because I can express.

Recall is painful.
Writing is cleansing.
A cleared mind is silent.
Life is beautiful .