I was taking my AP Literature test today, hence Hamlet on the brain. But anyway, this is the beginning of a story PJ and I are gonna write together :)

Nice little vignette. We get a real sense of the characters already. I am excited to read the story the you and PJ come up with.

Beautiful.

I can’t wait for the rest. You go girls!

Ahem, where’s my lance?

Oh how pretty :) I love the details, and how Ophelia can’t swim.

I don’t know how I’m going to work myself into here. I think you’re Ophelia. Maybe I’ll morph into my male alter ego for a while.

I liked how the ending seems to set up an epic tale, even if it came across a bit dramatically…which probably works appropriately for a teenage girl protagonist/narrator.

The flashback bits about the name being in past tense threw me for a bit, maybe combined with my initial confusion about who was speaking when. It’s just a general sort of thing, that it took me two or three reads to be oriented. Not sure of fix, just giving feedback.

I think the end could be cleaned up and sound less teenagery (yes, I made up a word) if you find a way to remove the conjunctions (and, but) from the beginnings of those sentences. It’s how we speak, but it robs writing of power.

I also liked the fact that she can’t swim and not just due to chance or lack of ability. It feels like a subtle nod to mom’s psychology, a disavowal of irony and prophesy in a name while at the same time working to thwart it. That felt very real…real neurosis, but real.

@THX: I guess I was going for “teenagery,” I want it to sound as if Ophelia is narrating this story, not someday_93. I’ll see what I can come up with, thought.

I like this. I can’t really explain why, but i do. Ophelia has always intrigued me and that is what caught my eye. But then there’s this other story hinted at. Good way to set-up a longer story!

I especially like the last line. The characters are sufficiently “teenagery.”