When you wrote “queint” did you mean “quaint” or “quiet”? You describe both characters having “short hair”. Seems a little repetitious. You could say the man had a buzz cut or something along those lines to change it up. In the second paragraph the last 2 sentences are fragments. In the 3rd paragraph you don’t need to capitalize “Head”. I would change “sweeped” to “swept”. Also that sentence is a little long. Start a new sentence with “He let out” and change “shortly abrupted” to “abruptly silenced”. The last paragraph isn’t clear, who is being turned upright? Quotation marks could resolve this. Is Hermes a person or a motorbike? And “hermes” needs to be capitalized.

Overall this is an interesting premise. I am not sure what this is fan fiction for.

@smdasilva
im not criticizing your criticism but i dont really think that a good story is judged by the grammar and spelling and all that. this story is intriguing and it is fan fiction but u would have had to have some of his other stories ith Kino in them and you would have had to have read some of the series Book of Inheritance; the first one in the series is called Eragon. just saying, and im not saying it rudely either.