Okay, just a couple things – in line 6, it should either be “when you finish” or “when you’re finished.” Line 15, “hypnotize” should be “hypnotized.” And then in the very last line, “Lets” should be “Let’s,” since it’s a contraction :) It also feels a little stilted and forced at bits.
But I’m really OCD about that kind of stuff. All in all, this has a very sensual feel to it, although to be honest it made me a little uncomfortable. I’m not sure why, because I’m not weird about this kinda stuff.
someday_93