You've won!

Dear Mr. Patinjalliheinberginsteinssonsmith,

We are delighted to inform you that you’ve won a new heart! You can have it! All you have to do is ring our premium line that you can find here at after purchasing a twelve month subscription. Then call our help line, giving details of the breast enhancements you saved £400 on, the loan of up to £750 you withdrew and the free Olive Garden gift card. Then we will direct you to one of our fine facilities where you will recieve your new heart.

Important: You must take viagra, but specifically viagra that you saved 80% on. Now you will meet a man at the front desk. You must give him information so that he can consolidate akk your debts into one manageable monthly repayment. You will then purchase an “iPad” and a “Kindle” from the next desk for less than $40.

Now you’re ready. Lie down on the table, and be put to sleep. When you wake up, you will have no organs.

View this story's 3 comments.