Classic sword and sorcery. I think the dialogue could be tightened up a bit to add some tension. For example, “It’s too late, brother! The priestess has already written my name in the Book of the Dead- and not just me, my whole family- even you!” is a bit wordy for a punchline.

Other than that, I really liked it.

Epic start to a possibly epic novel. I find the song interesting, Blind the All Watching Eye.. so they don’t want an omniscient being watching the death sentencing? kinda ignorant of the idea of all knowing, besides you don’t have to see to know what’s going on. I feel like I’m watching a movie about ancient Greece..

Fantastic. I like how the writing is tight only showing details that are necessary. I also love the priestess, with her garb that was once white. It kinda makes me think of corruption in the matriarchy. I think that you should keep it going. This has the potential to be epic!

I love the hints of the world you’ve built here, really fascinating!

I echo Sanglorian’s sentiments regarding the last line; I think it would be more powerful it if were tightened up. “We are all of us written in the Book of the Dead, brother.” Something like that. The line you have right just doesn’t feel natural as conversation, especially given the tension you’ve built.

“Riksur hurried down the wide streets, sweat rolling down his face. It was hot but not unusual for the time of year. He was sweating because terror gripped his heart.” Those last two lines, as well, just seem like they’re dragging your tension down. Maybe something like, “The day was hot, but it was terror sending beads of sweat rolling down his face.” Knowing about weather this time of year doesn’t seem necessary to the story.

I love the priestess’s prayer a lot.

Fixed? (Attempted fix #1)