I think you might want to go over this once. There’s some words that seem to be missing. Particularly, the part with “…and lit ground full of the long, thin furrows…”
This piece seems pretty long on description and short on plot. I like the ending line, but there doesn’t seem to be much more to it.
Thanks, Centi. I approached it thinking, okay, I want to provide a background for a world in 1024 characters without writing another piece entirely of prose. The other problem was that I didn’t want to veer off completely from the prequel as far as style went, the result of which seems to be… short on plot.
I’m going over it again and again, instead of just once – I really wanted to show a clinical coldness in the character but I ended up sacrificing it to the study entry’s length. I’ll play around with it some more, I think I see some ways to tighten things up.
Love the glimpse into another world. The narrator seems pretty secondary, except that the brutal, haunting imagery needs to be viewew by SOMEONE. All in all I think this has the potential to be really great.
I didn’t read it before the edit, but it seems fine now. It explains the previous one, and it seems that I wasn’t really missing anything after all, other than the point.
You manage to pull off the dry academic tone and something more standard, a little evocative, mostly just colorful.
I like it, but I don’t think it’s suited to this format. Any thoughts of turning it into a short story instead?
You know, when I wrote the first piece it was just “Well here’s a visual, here’s a scenario I’d like to describe,” but I might give the short story format a whirl. At this point that’s definitely what it’d be better suited for, as you said.
I think the tone of the study is spot-on. You may not get too much about the character (although the last line does convey some “clinical coldness”), but there’s something in the language which evokes the developmental state of the world. It’s laying a strong foundation for more…
If this does make its way to short storydom, you’ll have to tell us where to find it.