Iiinteresting! This plus the war tag intrigue me. I want to know more. Mooore!

I think in the first paragraph you could smooth things out by tightening up or rephrasing some of the sentences – like, “Two men rode on one wagon, pulled by a mule.”

The other one that doesn’t seem to flow so well is “The man who held the reins..” Maybe “Filostrato held the reins,” or “The man who held the reins called himself Filostrato,” just to change it more from telling to showing?

I like it, though!

Yeah, it definitely needs some editing. I was trying to avoid the things I do too much I think I may have fallen into a whole different trap.

I’ve never heard of eyes described as hanging before (unless, you know, they’re out of socket), but the line sort of seems to work here, if you squint.

I particularly like the subtle “called himself Filostrato,” implying, perhaps, that he’s got another name. And I enjoyed his uncertainty as to exactly why Houl’s breathing bothers him.

A small note: “Dim half-night” seems a bit redundant to me.

I think your exposition could use a little work, but aside from that this is solid

I’d say I got a Hemmingway vibe off of it but I don’t want to tell you what you already know

good work

I didn’t read it before the edits, but I like it the way it is now. The description of Houl could stand to be a little more painful, I think.

I like the whole painful honesty angle, that doesn’t get played nearly enough.

I suspect there’s some Tim O’Brien influence in there as well. If not, you need to read some Tim O’Brien. I think he’d be up your alley. I’ve probably told you this before.

I’m not one for terse sentences, but it really works here, given the probable context. I’d be interested to see where this would go.