Drowning oneself in drink… I like the way we really get into this character’s mind. Random drunken musings. One thing that bugged me a little bit – the terms “young girl” and “dame,” when referring to the same person, seems a little awkward… I personally wouldn’t think someone could be both a young girl and a dame.

Ah, now that I look on it, I do agree. I actually think I meant to write “woman” instead, though I’m not sure if it makes it less awkward or not.
But I hope it’s a bit better, and I appreciate your thoughts! :)

That’s a vivid description of drunkenness. I think (as you note in your profile) you have a few too many run-on sentences, and language like “He paid no heed to her absence” seems a little stuffy – even for a narrator.

“…he could see dancing, the poor mimic of what had been an art…” – My favorite line. And ain’t that the truth.

The word dame seems a little out of place in this narrative. Like someone quickly stepped in out of a noir detective novel, or 50’s musical.

The rest is very smooth, the picture you paint (this seemed amusing, I know it is not) with your words is believable and evocative. The last line is perfect but I think my favourite is the last of the paragraph above that.

You’re right, I hadn’t thought of it that way – I just changed it, I hope it’s better? And thanks for the advice & words :)

It’s odd what a difference one word can make; it changes the tone, and my impression of that character, a lot.

Not that there is anything wrong with 50’ musicals or noir, of course. =D

Glad you’ve found it worth having. ^^’ I look forward to reading more of your work.

I did a story on how someone would drink to feel something more than pain and all of that, but I didn’t get descriptive like you did.
I like the thought process that you did for this character. It was a nice change.
Also the ending sentence was a fantastic way to end it, I think that was my favorite part of the whole thing!