It’s a lovely moment and generally well described. The biggest comment I can make in terms of editing is in regards to verb tense. You can’t switch between past and present; it’s just too disruptive to the experience of the reader trying to relate to the internal reality of the piece. You do it twice in the first paragraph, with verbs in present tense in the descriptive clauses.

I tried to fix it a little bit, I hope that sort of improves it a little?