I like the scene, and it works well as a potential beginning to a monster movie. I’m not sure why you have a comma after ‘creature’ in that first sentence. You have some odd grammar throughout, like the third paragraph with a clause intended to describe the direct object and not the subject. It’s nit-picky stuff, but it made for a more difficult read. Lots of promise in the idea and premise though.

Interesting, I feel it’d be the scariest thing to be eaten by this monster, as it might slink towards you until finally it is upon you, and suddenly it glomps onto you. But I like the development of the story as well as the character. I agree, it has a lot of potential.

Thanks for the feedback. I’ve made a few corrections and I hope it improves things. Funny thing is that I wrote the first version very late at night.