wow! That’s awesome!
When I wrote my little story I definitely did not think he was breaking up with her for that reason. Awesome twist, I love it. I may keep this going because I like the way it’s moving, so I may post a sequel here, if that’s cool.

Intriguing stuff and cool to see the two of you doing a coop story.

Some editing points: The first sentence that starts with, “The strange man…” needs a verb. The second sentence that starts with, “The strange man…” should probably start with something other than the sentence right before it.

Though it was a bit tricky to follow I did like that last big paragraph, with the hands around the heart. It made for some neat imagery once I got my head around it.

Do you mean a verb before the ‘seemed?’ As is it’s too big a noun phrase before the ‘seemed?’

It probably is a bit redundant to repeat the phrase ‘The strange man’ but in a sense it served as a substitute for a personal pronoun. Admittedly it wasn’t a deliberate stylistic choice .

This is a very intriguing piece. Nice to see some good old ficly sequel-ing going on =) … i may just have to follow this to the end…
Abby x