Someone’s taken a dark turn recently … I’m not complaining, though.

The line “separated both from themselves and from one another” really struck me. It made me want to read on, despite the fact that I’m terrified of flying and could see what was coming.

The clothes and flesh trailing in ribbons is pretty graphic, but this whole piece has a drifting, haunting, somber—beauty?—to it.

I think readers would still get it even without the words “black box recorder” at the end. “If only we could hear you now,” as its own line, would carry more punch.

So now I’ll be jittery and anxious for the rest of my work day. Thanks a lot.

Yes; apologies for that. My girlfriend is no fan of flying. She can never see this or she will rain down terrible retribution upon me.

I wasn’t sure how easily people would pick up on what the object in question is, but reading it back you’re probably right. I’ll see if anyone else comments and maybe edit.

As always, the feedback is much appreciated.

I might do something with a talking beard later to counterbalance the melancholy!

I think the black box line is good. Leaving it out entirely would be obtuse, and trying to pepper the story with clues would be corny.

Great imagery, soulful and haunting.

Nicely done as always.

I suddenly had imagery of a bunch of fish swimming around listening to a pilot’s voice on infinite repeat.

Well done

Very well-written, I agree that you should leave the black-box line, I’m not entirely positive I would have understood immediately without it

Not that I’m the swiftest, just saying that as is, it’s a little more accessible to the average reader

The black box reference is staying. I think jesteram is better at reading between the lines than he credits. I showed this to a few people without the line and they were all a mite confused.

Thanks for the comments.

Seems fair to me. I’m a bit too much of a guesser anyway, always looking for the twist or what have you.

Reading this again, I think I felt less like it was too obvious, and more like “black box recorder” sounded clunky against the poetry of the earlier lines. There’s nothing else to call it though, and it certainly would sit like that, all black and boxy and out of place, into whatever underwater grotto it settled.

that settles it i am never flying again i am even feeling a little a nervous about being so tall that settles it too i am going barefoot from now on

Black Box Recorder is also the name of a band I used to like although I haven’t heard them in years!

Once again, thanks for all the feedback on this one. I’m quite pleased with it.

That piece was awesome, i wonder how it lost this challenge.

The direct reference to the recorder feels a little too blunt, but I honestly didn’t get it until that line, so it can’t be cut. The only other solution would be heavy re-writing, which would probably ruin more imagery than is worth the return.

While the imagery is certainly morbid, I thought the idea of it, and especially the conclusion, were a little playful. I wouldn’t call your recent work a “dark turn”, unless you have a secret cache of unicorn and rainbow stories somewhere.

There’s a definite clash between the idea—which was originally simply to write a eulogy to the black box rather than the actual crew/passengers—and the imagery.

And that original concept was intended to be darkly humorous. But then the imagery took away from that. So I think there is a definite clash – the last line is supposed to be playful, the ‘oh’ and ‘if only’ just ramp up the melodrama, fittingly for a mock-eulogy.

I don’t think there’s much to be done with it but I don’t think it hangs together very well. And I really dislike “with a shrug rather than a shriek” now.