That was creepy. Nicely done, even if I have no idea what is hunting these two. Was the line, “Be real quick.” supposed to be by the mom? If so, it should go on a separate line.

Good build up. You maintain a nice level of tension throughout. Your writing style here is almost stream of consciousness, which is great and very refreshing. I agree with THX about the new line niggle.

Scary last line. Made me shiver =)
Abby x

Actually, the line was supposed to be said by the kid: “I’ll look; [and will] be real quick.” But I realize that the second part is kind of confusing and unimportant, so I think I’ll delete it and use the extra characters. :D

Also, thanks! I’m not familiar with this style of writing, so I thought I’d try my hand at it. Happy that it doesn’t seem too bad.