It was okay, definitely some awkward phrasing throughout, a couple needless words

I’m a sucker for personification, so I dug this

jermaine is right, it could stand to be tightened a bit, I think your trouble is that you already know what’s happening in your story but it might be less clear to the reader

shows promise

Agreed, I really love the personification. And like Skull Man said, it really does seem like you know what’s going on, but you haven’t quite managed to bring that across to the reader.

All in all, very well done!

I like where you are were going with it, but I agree with the above comments.