Great stuff.

Excellent. I’m hooked…!
Just needs some references to thunder now ;-)

Nicely written, well structured. The description of the third paragraph is really quite beautiful, although simple. I liked the first line a lot.

But I’m a sucker for action and I kept finding myself waiting for something dramatic to happen. Ah well…it was still good.
Abby x

Sadly, the first line is stolen from the chorus to “Sometimes I” by Perpetual Dream Theory. I was walking around, near work, with the sun slanting in my eyes, and this music in my headphones and decided it was long past time I dusted off ficly and wrote something.

Action? Nah. Save that for the sequel… ;)

Sssh…just don’t tell us and claim that line for yourself lol. Glad to see you back.

Lovely. This is an excellent setup. Lots of open unanswered questions and gorgeous texture to the description. So, where next?

Very lovely, mysterious feel to it. It seems to hint and a more ancient setting, but it’s not totally set on it. Also loved the possibilities and potential in the little mental stray to the left before moving on. Great little ficly.

Lovely piece, I’m not afraid of a sequel, and stories like this scream for one.

There’s some elements/words you don’t need. I believe it’s the other, not another, maybe others could chime in. You can delete of him. Or maybe that’s where my confusion is, I don’t know if your writing from the protagonists mind, or a narrator’s point of view?

Saying “one foot in front of the other” is, technically, correct as he has two feet; saying “in front of another” leaves a mental trail of feet behind the walker: he still feels his presence in every one of the footprints he has left behind him and, in some way, each new footstep is a new foot, a new him as he tries to put some distance between himself and whatever disaster it is that he’s leaving behind.

I take your point about “of him”. Personally, I find that putting it in or leaving it out creates subtly different images, and I think that I prefer the one with “of him” where it is.

Thank you for the great comments, though.

SMILE