Very self depricating but funny. I was frustrated at first with all the uncertainty and suggestion, but it set up the end very nicely. I hadn’t heard of the character. Is that the name of the graphic novel, or is it a character in a book by a different title?

Amusing little piece. Hopefully you’re not really that down on yourself!

Haha definitely not uninspired! Fantastic concept and writing, though a THX is right the beginning could use more contrast.

Thanks for the kind words, guys. Well, I’m actually a little put off by the transition between the exposition and the fourth-wall-breaking parts of the story, which I can’t refine for the life of me. Any ideas how to make it run better? I’d appreciate any suggestions!

Oh, yes, and the graphic novel’s called Across Thin Ice (https://www.sofawolf.com/products/nordguard-ati-hc) and I’m ashamed to say I, ah, derived the last line from one of the character’s quotes as well. Dang it.

I have no complaints about the transition. I actually quite like it. I imagine someone interrupting you by screaming “Bullshit!”

I also like how reflective of the truth it is, because behind every mask proclaiming of greatness and glory, there is a frightened, paranoid thing that has no such delusions and in fact thinks of themselves as little more than a plain and insignificant thing.

All right this is a proper comment to replace the puny one I left earlier above!

Firstly, I would suggest replacing the word “various,” in the second paragraph with “varying.”

Like Jae I’ve got absolutely nothing against the transition. You’ve done what you could in the character limit and I like the interruption – it almost creates audience participation with the reader (not that any of us would be so rude as to interupt you like that.)

Don’t be ashamed of quoting, after all, composers and artists do it all the time so why shouldn’t us writers too!

I do think the last line would have been more effective if you’d repeated ‘because’:
“-well, because it’s roughly what I’m worth.”

I liked the short sentences in the first paragraph, but their effect was slightly diminished by the length of the paragraph itself. I would split it up a bit, if the limit allows.

Oh and I have no idea how much a nickel is worth…but I’m pretty sure you’re worth a trillion million billion more.
Abby x

Hey, PJ. Hmmm… Actually I’ll admit I didn’t quite think of that when I was writing – I was more envisioning a sarcastic speech, with occasional lapses hinting at a bit of underlying self-derogatory feelings – but rereading the piece I can see what you mean and how that idea emerges. I like your perspective on it, though. I hadn’t quite thought of it!

Hey Abby, thanks for all the suggestions! I’m actually quite fond of the word ‘various’, so I kept it… I see what you mean about the first paragraph because I felt like it was kind of overly-huge next to the others; I tried chopping it up, but it lost the ‘rant/exposition’ effect I was trying to achieve, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to preserve that effect so I gave up. But I took your advice on the ending and I think it’s exactly what was missing! Now it seems to run a teeny bit better. Thanks a bunch! Also, a nickel is approximately five cents! :D

great…how much is a cent?

interesting…..

Abby oh my god where on earth do you come from? Well, a cent is one of those things you find in wallets and in treasure chests. A hundred of those make one dollar, which you can swap with certain people for select amounts of chocolate. Chocolate is good. Thus, one of the many handy purposes of cents. Cents: not to be confused with its cousin, sense.

i come from england…where we have magical things called pennies and pounds =)