Wow, this is really interesting to me. I hope it gets continued. It seemed like a children’s book until the end which gave it a little more sinister slant.

I thought the whole piece had quite a Victorian feel to it. Good repetition of ‘until’ …quite the motif and definately opening into a possibility for sequelling.

I would replace the third comma in the third last paragraph with a ‘…’ to make it read easier.

I love your spacing. A very interesting concept but with quite a dark atmosphere behind it.
Abby x

Thank you both for your comments and Abby, for your pointing out my careless comma creep. How about an em dash?

Forgive me; I’m new here (and not as young and hip as I once was—okay that’s a lie. I was never hip). What does (LoA) mean?

Cute tone and meter to it. The roundabout sort of speech got a little hard to follow in that middle bit, but it mostly worked to establish an amusing tone. Neat idea, and a very ominous ending.

LoA stands for League of Awesomeness, an informal thing here on ficly, a loosely knit society that promotes active participation, leaving comments, and writing sequels/prequels on other people’s stories.

Why am I picturing an unassuming Mr. Bean? This was so wonderfully deceptive. I feel as though I were discounting the mouse as imaginary, but maybe there is something more sinister at play.

Excellent freestanding piece, but Daddy wants a sequel!

Great start…heading to sequel now.