He’s a terrorist. I couldn’t really tell if I made that at all clear. Hopefully it read well.

It did come across that he is/was a terrorist. The suicide bombing thing came through loud and clear.

The storytelling itself was a bit abrupt. It reads like there is a hard stop at the end of each sentence, rather than them all having a bit of flow. Not sure if that even makes any sense. The phrase “his jacket of their own fruition” doesn’t quite make sense either.

Definitely has some promise if you can just get it to flow a little better. Re-reading it, I think the reuse of the word “he” to start 7 of the first 9 sentences (and 1 of the other 2 started with “him”) could be part of it. Maybe switch to sentence fragments and avoid the overuse of “he” to begin the story?

Err, 1 of the other 2 started with the word “his,” not “him.” My bad.

Good info. Thanks

I have to respectfully disagree with my esteemed colleague John Perkins.

I feel the hard stops are not only fitting for this piece but damn near necessary.

If somebody is getting ready to do this suicide bombing thing, they are going to be thinking in concrete short thoughts.

Flowing abstractions would pull me away from this story.

Good job Ronnie.

My only crit would be the sentence “trigger bombarded his senses.”

Being as this is a suicide bomber I get the allusions but in a piece this short it seems forced and redundant.

Good job though. I loved it.

:D

Hmm, yes, I figured he was a terrorist. You did an excellent job of describing_ just_ enough. And the way you gave him a twisted set of morals was exceptionally executed.