love dis, you dumbo

An interesting piece, the writing is solid and the rhythm is good! I would suggest splitting the piece into paragraphs for easier reading and rhythm. Overall, well done!

thank you :) I will definitely take that into consideration!

I like the different types of love being enumerated as distinct from one another. I agree with defineinsanity’s point. Maybe it’s an artifact of the web-based format, but that solid chunk of text winds up intimidating. In the beginning you use ‘thought out’ twice in successive paragraph; consider a synonym for one of them maybe.

Lovely little bit of rambling.

I agree with the boys…splitting this up into sections would definately make it a lot more enjoyable to read, but on the other hand it is an outpouring of thoughts and works quite well in one solid block.

Great use of repetition of the words ‘you’ ‘I’ and ‘love’ … reinforces the theme beautifully.

I thought that the last line was particularly poignant. Very sweet little piece.
Abby x

There, I tried breaking it up into smaller paragraphs, hopefully that helps!

Hey this isn’t english 101. You’re an amazing writer with great emotion. I know people are trying to help but with pieces such as yours…just let it be.

First off congrats on being featured.

You did an amazing job on expressing the love for this other person. Not sure how the lesbien tag is relavent to the story, as this has nothing to do with sexuality. Love is love. Do not misunderstand, i dont have a problem with hetero or homo sexuality. I just have a problem with a tag that isnt part of the story. :P

Fyi there are 4 types of love…,eros, agape, philia and storge… Greek is great, unlike english that uses too many generic words with multiple means.

Thank you very much!

& I’ve tagged the story with “lesbian” as the feelings being shared are coming from the narration of a lesbian, myself. Of course love is love and it does not remain explicit to hetero or homo sexuality, but in this particular case it does. It is coming from the point of view of a girl and her feelings towards another girl.

& thank you, I will definitely do my research on those!

Really enjoyed the pure expression in this one.

Grats on being featured.

I feel like the list could be left out. It slows down the pace and feeling of the piece and definately stunted my reading of it. I mean, the feeling of the piece is only truly evoked in the first paragraph and the very last line. That’s when the little girl inside is speaking – right from the heart.

Although I do agree, even as someone caught between bisexuality and homosexuality, that lesbian is an irrelevant tag. Love is always love, and stories written that don’t encompass your own self are more accessible. I mean, I read the tags before I read the actual story sometimes.

The piece was written from the point of view from a lesbian, hence the tag. Almost all of my pieces that have to do with love or sex, are tagged with lesbian, as they are coming from my viewpoint.

But thank you for the opinion!

I respect the right of the artist to define the nature of their own work, but ideally the work would communicate the artist’s intentions within it, rather than needing the artist to overtly state their intentions separately. Perhaps in the future you could think about how to wed you intentions into the piece itself such that it would not require external explanation.

thank you, I’ll take that into consideration next time I tag a piece.