wow i really dig this piece you rock out with your socks out

YES. Just… Just… YES

I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a rhyme scheme that extreme—four rhymes in a row, I mean. And while it mostly works out, and it’s a brave idea, there are some forced rhymes (which is really hard to avoid given the rhyme scheme). So props for the challenge of it, anyway.

this is pretty alright and i’ll talk about what I do not like first:
rhyming
I might catch some flak for this, but it’s very juvenile. Rhyming every single line is something I would imagine a 6 year old would think poetry meant.

it also leads to clunky lines like “On negativity don’t stew” because you’ve backed yourself into a corner with the structure. I also don’t like the word “outmoded” but that is a personal preference

Another note about the structure: the last stanza is inconsistent with the rest of the poem: pen and again do not rhyme with inspiration and haven.
It’s visual, but taking in the rest of your poem, it doesn’t seem like you are going for visual rhymes. You’re going for hard rhymes, and that’s not what exists in the last stanza.

I also feel like the entire first stanza is unneeded; your message seems to be to keep writing no matter what, and the “maturity” thing doesn’t really mesh well with that overall theme.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I

@Skull Man
I can’t even begin to comprehend what that’s supposed to mean…
>.>

Reading this aloud, meter feels a bit off in a few places, I’d check that over. And the rhyme scheme falters in a few places.

Don’t seems out of place, but maybe that’s just my dislike of contractions in poetry.

Also this seems like a pointed sort of poem at times, which is perfectly fine, but it loses its edge as time goes on. I’m wondering who exactly this poem is to be addressing, if anyone. Is it a general poem for any writer, or is it to be sent to the critics, or is it a specific personal sort of thing?

And it’s hard to find a pen that will corrode these days. A sacrifice for the line, I’m sure, but just something that tugged my mind.

LW, this is a better poem, I feel, than the first! And I must say, if you did this without a rhyming dictionary, I’d be pretty impressed…

Rhyming dictionaries are a poets best friend

Rhyming dictionaries are a poets best friend

I didn’t have time to properly comment before, so I will now.
While I liked the sentiment of first one alright, this one is much better all-around. Some of the rhymes are a bit skewed, but rhymes are tough! What you have, all things considered, is an awesome effort.

(and to reply to whoever said the rhymng dictionary is a poet’s best friend: a hearty amen to that!)

This is definitely an improvement.

Still, look into meter. This poem clearly was constructed without meter in mind, and suffers for it.

Also, AAAA rhyme structure isn’t really a thing. It’s jarring, and remember, poems don’t really have to rhyme.

Overall, your work shows promise, but don’t eschew benefiting from criticisms and be sure to create a solid foundation of formal education to build your enthusiasm and drive on top of – after a few workshops and college literature courses, you’ll be far better off.

OK so everyone:
No Orange I didn’t use a rhyming dictionary.

Adorable Blanket, yes I realize the negativity line is awkward, but I forgot the actual line I had in mind.

Quetzi, this was a poem reminding myself not to get upset about what criticism I get and take it in stride. Oh and I actually have several pens that have corroded, you know the fountain or calligraphy type. Basically if its metal and gets wet it ends up corroded. But that’s probably just me.

Slang Skald, When I write things there’s usually no meter involved because when there is its even worse than when there isn’t. Also, thank you for the advice! :)

Everyone:
I wouldn’t mind if you read some of my other poems and told me what you thought.

Well, if you don’t like the way meter looks in your poems, that’s a great sign that that is something you could work on! Do research on meter, learn more about it, read Romantic and Victorian poets, and then start trying to write poems in meter. There’s no better thing to improve than what you admit you need work on

About the rhyme scheme, I know its weird, I just wanted to try something new and I liked the way it sounded.

I like this! Yes, the meter’s a bit off – I know you said you weren’t aiming for a meter, but you’ve got an almost iambic tetrameter going (8 beats) with the third verse being more trimeter. These are the two easiest meters in English, and I beat if you tried, you could do them with less struggle than you think. :)

The rhyme is punchy without being annoying, and the ending epigram (last two lines) perfectly captures your meaning.

(Ok, maybe you already knew all the stuff I put in brackets, but just in case. It’s the teacher in me. :) )

Thanks A Bunch April. :)

hahaha.. Skull’s video disturbed me at the very moment i saw a woman dancing in roller-skates (((Shivers)))