I don’t know if this is what you intended, but this has a kind of Star Wars feel to it. I’m interested to see what happens next.

I think all the jargon almost detracts from the clarity of the story. Jargon is a fickle mistress; it can add to the imagery and tone, or it can cloud the story.

However, I did like the premise of the story. You just might want to fix some of the words and separate it into different paragraphs with a double space.

Also, hi! Welcome to Ficly.

P.S. I only suggested the double spacing because it’s a little easier on the eye and reads more fluidly.

P.P.S. And sorry for all the times I used the word “story.” Just realized that.

P.P.P.S. I’ll shut up now.

man this is tight he is peeping out body parts like car parts that is tight did i say this is tight i like it

I committed the sin of reading the comments before the story. I really like this, though the jargon does make it a little difficult to chew through. Still, it’s sometimes good to make readers work for it, we get lazy otherwise!

I only went (relatively) jargon-heavy because that’s what the future feels like to me – sort of like Clockwork Orange. (Or any era, really – we probably can’t understand Victorians.) I figure the jargon gets acclimated in the context of a longer story; so this was kind of a test – does jargon work if the context is so minimal as to almost ask the reader to fill in their own meaning? The feedback so far is somewhat of a mixed bag on the topic, so I’ll let it chew for awhile.

Plus I wasn’t sure (as my first Ficly) whether it should be more properly formatted or just thrown down onto the page. Guess I’ll dress it up a bit – or at least future installments. :)

But as my first offering, I count it a success! Glad to be here, and thanks for the feedback!

ambrosia’s dumb ass never reads the stories so dont let that bother you i only know that because i asked her to name a character from a series elsha wrote about a guy taking a girl hostage in a checkie cheese and she didnt know anything but she commented on everyone. she is an idiot who just comments without reading. I know that sound harsh but someone who comments without reading is an idiot, even if it were me.

i mean really? what kind of fucting moron reads the comments before the story? i mean i try to be nice but that is just fucting stupid. it is a slap in the face, like ill say good stuff if they did. she is a fucting idiot.
by the way awesome story mason it was awesome.

Codger is in the market for a new model.. or does he sell them?

sorry for getting so upset about this me and ambrosia have history..lol

Such is the peril of community – and the blessing of it. Fights, disputes and grudges will erupt and burn from time to time – but it gives us the opportunity to learn, perhaps to grow, or at least to brave up an apology when one steps over a line from time to time.

For my part, ’salright.

I like this, it has a techno/space/industrial feel to it. Maybe it’s the hour (I’m extremely tired and delirious) but the story kind of confuses me a bit.. it’s prolly just me.

Yeah, that’s one of the reasons I regret having dropped away from this story – all the jargon is a bit on the confusing side. But in a ficly (and even in a nonficly), I get a little tired of three pages of exposition for every one page of story in a sci-fi work. This was something of a test on how much I could wring from context. I think I probably mussed it up. blush

Very Clockwork Orange feel, but I did find it detracted from the story. I’d agree with your own analysis – a bit heavy on the jargon. But my main critique would be: what’s Frank’s emotional reality? Without a feeling-sense of him, the story leaves us at a loose end (or just with a feeling of having entered the exposition). Burgess’ sharp skill is in creating a feeling through all the strange language.