I’m not too sure about this one, but I’ve spent a couple days on it and this was the best I could get out of the concept.

“Pretentious?” is making me laugh reallly hard, which I don’t think was the goal.

I’m not sure I am completely gasping what’s going on here. Actually, let me rephrase. I like the idea, and I’m pretty sure that I understand all that I need to, but the second line for some reason isn’t working for me. I get a sense of omniscient third-person narration from the first and subjective from the second, which I think is throwing me off.

Interesting idea, though, and I really like the first sentence. Like, a lot.

Unless this is about a dead dog, in which case I have to rethink matters

Just sayin’

I thought it might be a little pretentious, but I wasn’t sure. I’ll probably end up using that tag a lot. The story isn’t supposed to be funny, but I can see how the tag might be.

What is it about the second line? Is it too vague? Pretentious? Obtuse? Just plain bad? Or is it just the mode thing? I had the subjective mode in mind throughout, though it certainly shows a lot more in the second line than in the first. I’m not really sure how to tweak that.

I left the protagonist purposely ambiguous. If you want to think of him as a dog, that’s fine. Why did you think of that? Is it just because I promised a dog story a couple days ago, or was there something else? What does that change for you? The promised dog story is still coming, though I’m having doubts about it’s quality.

Any thoughts on the mood?

I think lostsalient’s first comment is valid. Maybe try switching the second and third lines. Good story, though.