Another great piece. Seems to be written hastily, which would fine, but this is not a hasty scene.

Expect some to comment on their dislike of your first sentence. But I love it, I see nothing wrong with a long line broken up with a few commas.

It gets a bit muddy in the second half, almost like a second story. You already mention the sun, the time of day, the heat. This is a perfect example of simple being better, focus only on his gaze trying to capture hers, and strip out everything you’ve already mentioned.

Nearly always write quickly. I also like repetition and I’m not afraid to use it. ;-)