oh man this is amzing. you make the reader very uncomfortable seeing through the tom’s eyes. god I can smell the coconut shampoo…anyways great story!

To improve flow, you should change the first line to

Man, she is beautiful, he thought to himself. I’m so lucky I have her.

…retaining the italics, of course.

Also, on line 8, either breaking the sentence in two at the comma or inserting a “but” after the comma would correct the grammatical error.

Other than that, I found this very well written, with a good sense of pacing and nicely specific descriptions. The subtle twist was especially effective due to the way you played the reader’s assumptions.
As a last word, if you changed your tags to be slightly less specific, you could preserve the surprise ending for those who read the tags first.

I agree with Memento, the perspective changes, like a stumble. Choose either one and stick with it or maybe breaking it up into distinctive paragraphs might help.

However, Reaver is right too, it’s an uncomfortable read, and that’s a hard emotion to push with words. Well done.

I made a break in between when she’s getting her keys out just because it sorta draws the attention towards her like you guys were saying so I hope it makes it a little less confusing or spotty.

I sent you a Note. This would work better through his eyes and his eyes only. Be his eyes and write it in a play by play format. Or choose another, such as a third person narrative.

This Ficly has great bones, that’s what counts.

Great job Infinity.

Last point. I don’t know how you’re typing this. If you look at the ends of your sentences, there’s plenty of room for words to wrap. Most people interpret those as returns followed by a break. Visually, the lines and spacing’s are confusing. If you like this style, you might want to turn this into a poetic format, not narrative.

fixed? any better? hahaha, let me know!!

If I was terribly poetic, I would say something like:

“Infinity! You respond to suggestions like a rose to water, absorbing them to grow ever more beautiful!”

As it is, I’m not, so I’ll simply say this:

Well done, Infinity. Well done.

memento, thank you for calling me a rose. they’re my favorite, which is incredibly cliche but I’m a classic person with simple tastes.
lol my mind feeds on information to make me better, so I take what i can get from people who would like to help me improve so thank you for your help as well!!

FEATURED!!! Awesome and congrats!!!

Thanks Reaver!!!! :D

I began to catch on to the outcome of this story as it progressed. His lack of physical contact was a strange discrepancy for the way he regarded her.

Worth reading, well-featured.

Great story! Made me feel so sad for him!
I was a bit jarred at the switch from the present tense to the past. Why not put everything in the past, except his thoughts?