Commentary: This is an alternate, and I think better, version of my story “Predator.” Thoughts are inlined rather than being relegated to footnotes. “Predator” perhaps has more of a psychotic feel because of the need to jump from text to footnote constantly, whereas this story makes the predator seem more in control of his thoughts.

I think you completely nailed the “chilling” effect. Reading this is scary, like those movies when you just know something terrible is going to happen but the characters can’t hear your warnings!

I like both of these actually but for some reason I enjoy the footnote entry more?
I think it’s because I’ve never seen footnotes in a story and I thought it was bringing in something totally different than what I’ve seen before. Of course both entries are essentially the same with different tweaks so both are really well written.