This is very good, very very good. I read it many times and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am confused about the introduction of Elin. When she’s first mentioned, I am not aware she’s there in the store with our protagonist.
Maybe you can find a way to place her in the scene: (suggestion only) Elin, standing a couple feet away, had probably forgotten she’d even said he was a “blubbery mess”.
32 ^2