“Debra, would you make me the most euphoric specimen of homo sapiens on the globe (for tonight) by going out with me?” For she was most striking, having tan-russet-chocolate-coffee hair coupled with recently-deceased opaque skin.

“I shan’t!” The corn-haired unman ejaculated. She proceeded to fall back radically, pause mid-landing, change directions, and absorb the impact through her knees and pilates.

Samberg watched this exhibit morosely, feeling as if a large dragon had appeared in his esophagus, simultaneously defecating and exhaling fire. AT THE SAME TIME.

He left the room and went to go send some faxes.

When he was done, he went back into his office to call an intimate-relations hotline. He cried for five minutes before the woman on the other side hung up on him. This was unsatisfactory, so he called back for a refund.

He had bought a bagel earlier in the day. It had cream cheese. His tears restarted, just as fervent. They landed on his bagel, and he bit into it. The taste of angst was delicious.