I think you should’ve separated the part about Rose not crying, and the part about her dress. I assume that when she left, it was at a different time and place (not with her lover but with her parents).

The writing style fit the theme of romance that was present throughout the story, including the dialogue (which would be extremely unconvincing otherwise). Works for short pieces, but definitely not long ones.

Your spelling checks out, and I can’t say much about grammar. If you were going for purple prose, then this was decently violet.

very sad and very pretty. but I agree about separating from when Rose was with her lover to when she is with her parents, it was just a bit confusing.

I meant for it to be that she leaves the place, jumps in the cab and doesn’t even say goodbye to her parents. But you’re right that doesn’t seem to make sense.
I changed it a little bit, is it better?

It seems there are three scenes here, the bar/diner, the room, the leaving of the parents in a white dress. I assume the parents were not in the room, and I’m not sure the brother’s loft is part of the diner. It is very hard to follow the sequence without transitions from scene to scene. You probably had to cut them to get this story in under 1024. :) It gets easier with practice.

Okay, I got rid of the diner scene, and put a transition between the other two. And I changed a couple of other things. haha… I’m determined to make this better.
Please give more suggestions!!
thanks:)

It flows better from scene to scene now. :) I think the couple should meet first, then unlock the door. It seems if she unlocks the door first, we assume he is waiting inside. Then when they go through it together, it feels odd. :)

yes i agree with Elsha, the changes made it much better. for the part about walking through the door, you could just put “she walked inside” instead of “they walked inside”

what about just letting us know where inside they walked to? then if she was trying to hide this love wouldn’t she have stepped inside before anyone seen her an he together

This is a really great story, however I think it was a little ambitious considering the number of characters you had to work with. Nevertheless, your point was made, and the bitter romantic feeling is still present.