“Have I ever told you about my first pair of Speedos?—

“Um, yes.”

-I lived in a small town in Michigan. No one knew I was gay, so I didn’t have any gay friends. I was forced to take a vacation so I decided on Las Vegas. I made reservations at a resort. In their poolside photos, all the men were wearing Speedos, so I thought that’s what I had to wear too-

’What color were they?"

—so I wiggled into them, wrapped a towel around myself and skittered down to the pool. Well, I never thought about it being October, no one was in the pool, the brochure made it look like it was sunny all the time."

“And at the bottom of the pool…”

“Oh, you have heard this story before…I saw a large wallet! I slowly made my way into the freezing water. I wish I had room for the wallet, but I couldn’t shove it inside my tiny bathing suit, so I pulled $200 out, shoving it all into my Speedos. When I got out, everyone stared at my Huge Wad! HA HA! Isn’t that funny? HUGE WAD!”

I wonder whose wallet it was/is, but never ask